


Don't Ask

by delphia2000



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M, Humor, M/M, Meta, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-09
Updated: 2010-06-09
Packaged: 2017-10-10 00:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/93316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delphia2000/pseuds/delphia2000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Be careful what you ask for! A short humorous fic treating the cast as if they were real with a slap-dash of Mary Sueing. Winner of the 2005 Stargate Fan Awards, Best Humor category. Approximately Season 8, after Jack becomes a general. Mentions of sex, sexual positions, partners, etc., but nothing graphic, hence the teen & up rating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Ask

Trouble always comes to me in emails. Nobody uses telegrams anymore and even faxes are becoming obsolete. I'm a writer, so maybe they think they should write it out rather than contact me in person. It's never a nice phone call, "Hi, howyadoing? I need your help." Heaven forbid they should send flowers first.

This one was the usual; "Help!" in the subject line and from an address I didn't recognize. I thought it was more porno SPAM and almost clicked it into the trash until I looked at the address more carefully. It was from 'Flyboy' @ sgc.gov. Never had one from him personally, but I could guess who it was and I knew HE'd never ask for help unless he meant it.

I opened it. Could have deleted it to save time, but that's hindsight.

"Your email address was given to me by a friend," it started. I should have known then it was trouble. (Note to self: canvass friends and find out who is giving out my email in such a reckless manner!)

"We need your help," it continued, and proceeded to leave me completely in the dark as to what kind of help. Only gave me instructions on where to meet and how to get there.

The last line was the kicker…offer of payment. I'm a writer with bills to pay. Obviously, they wouldn't be contacting me if they wanted an astrophysicist. The money was just the right amount of 'let's spend this entire budget frivolously so we can get a bigger budget next year.' I packed my laptop.

Anytime anyone asks you to meet them at a top-secret military base, you can bet there will be aliens involved. Now, I'm not squeamish and I'm not a coward, but there are only so many things one can do for one's country. And only so much you can do for pay, too. The gauntlet I had to run just to get into the place was not quite as long as the Boston Marathon, but took almost the same time without water breaks or smiling faces to cheer me on.

After a final frisking so thorough, I almost felt an emotional attachment to the female SF and I'm strictly heterosexual, I was escorted down multiple levels to a conference room. They brought me a diet Vanilla Coke and some magazines since he was in meetings and they didn't know when he'd be available. Nice try, but they were all fishing magazines. Boring. I opened the laptop and put myself on the clock. Okay, I haven't saved the planet lately, but my time is valuable too.

They refer to him as 'SOL,' meaning 'sex on legs' and they weren't kidding. Tall, lanky, silver hair and a killer smile. I wish I could say he didn't affect me, but some days, they're all my type and this was one of those days. The others in his team trailed into the room after him, all gorgeous in person, of course. That camera doesn't lie.

He was uncommonly gracious. "Thank you for coming."

'Not yet, but I'm halfway there,' I thought to myself. I got down to business before I made a complete fool of myself. "What can I do for you?"

"We need a writer."

'Doh.' I resisted saying that aloud and tried to look professional. "But you have a staff of regular writers who keep a very exclusive control over your canon, and a whole mess of fic writers who fill in all the gaps and then some," I pointed out.

"True, but we need someone on our payroll…on our side. Life is just becoming unbearable and we need you to help us. We've been assured you have the qualities we need," the General said.

"Okay, I'm on the clock and on your side. What would you like?"

Jack nodded to Sam first who immediately burst into tears. "I can't take it any more. Sam and Jack, Sam and Pete, Sam and Daniel…they have me fixed up with everyone. And canon is kiss me and die. Half the aliens we have treaties with, list my presence on their planet as taboo for fear of being attacked. The slashers have taken Janet's death to assume we were getting it on and I like men, not women! It's not fair!" she wailed.

Teal'c handed her the box of Kleenex and she blew her nose loudly. In spite of the heavy makeup, not a trace of mascara bleed and the nose wasn't even pink. If she wasn't so sincere, I could have hated her for crying so beautifully.

"Is there anyone you do like?" I asked gently, opening a document on my laptop.

"Walter."

The shocked faces of her teammates matched my own. She glared back at them. "He makes me laugh and he can understand every tech thing I babble at him," she explained.

"Not Siler and the yogurt?" I queried, just to show off my fic knowledge and my vocabulary in the same line.

"That is all a myth. And he eats the yogurt for his digestion, of which the less we speak of, the better. The man is a methane factory."

"Okay," I agreed quickly, tapping in information. "Walter it is. Who's next?"

"That would be Jack and I," answered Daniel. "With all the Shippers taken care of, that means the Slashers are next. We want out. I hate being called 'SpaceMonkey," by the way."

Jack looked hurt. "You told me you liked it when I called you that," he pouted.

Even queenly pouting was hot on him.

"I liked it the first time you said it," Daniel corrected him. "After that, it was just stupid. I mean, I like Jack and all, don't get me wrong. Hell, I like ANY kind of sex. But there's this 'don't ask, don't tell' thing wearing on us. We need a change."

"And there's no way we could talk to our writers about it what with the AF breathing down their necks," Jack pointed out, "being as we'd have to tell and then ask. So they'd fix it. Or fic it."

He smiled at his own cleverness, while the team just rolled their eyes in unison.

"Well, Daniel Jackson, you could be a bit of a problem," I told him. "All your former lovers have put a lot of distance between you and them, either by dying or running like hell whenever you show up. Let's face it, your lovers get snaked and you can't blame them for shunning you."

He hung his head sadly. "I know. It's all my fault. But there must be someone who'd be willing to chance it for a taste of the Jacksonator."

Jack sneered a bit. "Jacksonator?"

Daniel looked offended. "You called me that once too."

"Yeah, probably in the throes of…"

Sam cut in. "This is way TMI! Please! I'm asking, don't tell!"

"Indeed."

Apparently, Teal'c really says that.

"Fine," I said, taking more notes furiously. "So, since you like sex so much and you have a whole Harem on-line, how about we pull some volunteers from that. Flexible ones who don't mind a crowd scene."

Daniel brightened. "I could get into that."

"Same goes for Jack. He has just as many fans too and this is a way to get a good sample of what's in the available gene pool for each of you. Maybe you'll find your soul mates there. Keeps all the fans happy, too, consoling both of you for not getting Sam. Now, Teal'c?"

"I am in love," he announced. "With Ishta."

"So, you don't need a fix then?"

"On the contrary. She is always too busy for me and unwilling to find time to mate. I should like to find someone more available, but of similar qualities."

I thought for a second. "How about Anise? She's got big lips, big hooters and is blonde too."

"But she's got a thing for me," said Jack.

"And Freya has a thing for me," interjected Daniel.

"Right. Well, since neither of them can have either of you, we'll see if she'll go with some hot Jaffa. It's not like she's getting much action elsewhere or she wouldn't have been all over Jack…..well, that didn't come out right, did it?"

Sam smiled. "Glad I'm not the only one who can put her foot in her mouth that fast."

"I never said I didn't depend on my beta readers. I'll get working on a logical, but safe way to bring Anise here for you Teal'c and it will be up to you after that. Remember, I'm a writer, not a dating service in spite of the almost contrary appearance of this assignment. Oh, and don't take any new tech from her. She's a user."

"I will stay alert however, I am willing to be used…"

Fortunately, the klaxons started hooting at just that second and Walter announced 'Unscheduled off-world activation,' over the PA system. Jack looked almost perversely happy and jumped up with a general invitation for all to join him in the control room. (Hey, he's not the only one who can pun!) I went mainly to see if I could get a little more background on Walter.

He's kind of a cutie, what with the uniform and the headset. I had to slap Sam's hands away from his hair, which was making him squirm a bit. "Don't worry," I whispered to him, "Don't ask, don't tell. I'll make it right," and he grinned at me.

Obviously, something had been simmering and it boggles that the fic writers didn't notice that. Hell, they'd had Sam boffed by every other male on the base and dozens off-world. How did they overlook this little hottie?

The signal turned out to be from the Tok'ra and Jacob/Selmak walked out of the wormhole, followed seconds later by none other than Harry and Jonas. We all met up in the conference room.

"What brings you gentlemen here this time?" asked Jack. "Don't tell me, Harry's stealing Tok'ra secrets and selling them to the Kelownans?"

"Jaacckk, I'm hurt," Harry whined.

Jonas immediately elbowed him. "I don't know how you could stand anyone more annoying than me," he huffed to Jack.

"Actually, there is no one more annoying than you, Jonas."

"Kids!" Selmak intoned.

It was serious business when Selmak was in charge right out of the gate. I was hoping they'd cut to the chase fast as that Tok'ra voice was seriously revving up my motor.

"We have heard that you have hired a writer to attend to some crucial matters," Selmak continued.

"I still have contacts on Earth," Harry said smugly.

Sounded like more work. Good. I was going to need a fresh supply of batteries before this job was over and they can get expensive.

Jack invited them all to sit and make their cases. Selmak nodded and let Jacob do the talking next. "I need an age-appropriate woman," Jacob started.

"Not listening!" Sam blurted out, sticking her fingers in her ears.

"Oh, grow up," Jacob snarled. "Where the hell do you think you came from? Some cabbage patch? Your mother has been gone a long time and in spite of the Tok'ra attitudes about free love, I can't stand being with those two-faced twerps. I want to be the only other person inside my mate for a change."

"That could be a problem," I told him. "Stargate seems to forget women get old, but are still as vital as the men. I'm afraid it will mean an original character."

He smiled and asked smoothly, "So you aren't available?"

My heart leapt and other bits did the happy dance. "I can't do that," I apologized, "much as I'd LOVE to."

I made sure the 'love' was all in caps so he'd feel it.

"That would be a Mary Sue and those are socially unacceptable," I explained. "Besides, you deserve better. I'm sure I can come up with someone who will be the proper age and yet affiliated with the SGC so they won't look like they just appeared conveniently without any good reason."

"I trust you," he said kindly, patting my hand, which I still haven't washed. Oh, sigh!

"Now, Jonas," I went on, before I gave into my Mary Sue fantasies. "The only problem we have with you is that many of your fans do double-duty as Daniel fans. It's that sexy, youthful handsome look along with the intellectual archeologist thing. We're going to have to pull a few from the Daniel harem, if you don't mind?"

"Not a problem for me, if Danny doesn't mind," Jonas answered jubilantly.

"What I mind is you calling me 'Danny.' However, if I can let you watch Jack's six for a year and let you feed my fish, I guess I can let you have a few women," Daniel acquiesced.

"Great," I replied, typing furiously again. "That leaves us with Harry."

"Always the last one anyone thinks of unless you need someone to get their hands dirty," he grumbled.

"Fortunately, that's the way your fans like you, dirty Harry," I informed him. "You'll need a set of BDU's though. And don't forget the hat."

"Hat? What does a hat have to do with getting your ashes hauled?" he asked with a confused look.

"Trust me," I said, finishing my notes.

"Perhaps your fans prefer to be able to pull it down over your ugly face," Teal'c commented.

I had a feeling he was still carrying a grudge about that big-bug-bite incident.

"How'd you like a poke in your prim'ta, ET?" Harry offered, fists clenched.

"Boys, no tussling in the complex," O'Neill ordered, acting like a general for no apparent reason other than he wasn't the center of attention for a few seconds.

"I think I have everything I need," I announced, hoping to distract Teal'c from smearing Harry all over the floor. It wouldn't be pretty and I just don't do Hurt/Comfort stories. "I should have this ready and posted by this evening and you should all wake up in a new episode."

Jack was so pleased he got the Asgard to give me a lift home the better to start writing sooner. Let me tell you, head rush from that transport thing. And I thought flying was awful. They offer, don't go, JMHO.

I had everything written, beta'd and posted just a hair before midnight. Some stories just write themselves. I invented Teal'c's Jaffa-Mamma who came to visit to meet new girlfriend Anise and ended up staying with the Tok'ra for a while with Jacob/Selmak. I imagined Debbie Allen in the role…elegant and flexible. I hoped Jacob would be pleased.

My paycheck was direct-deposited the next day and I was feeling smug enough to indulge in a breve' with the chocolate covered biscotti. I should have saved the calories.

The email showed up a couple of days later. "HELPPP!!!" Extra exclamations and even in caps. It was an order to not only delete the story, I was to put it on a disk and then burn said disk. I got on the phone. I had to know the whole story and no doubt, Flyboy wasn't up to typing all that.

Sam answered his phone. "Oh, you. Hold on. He's busy with Daniel, but I'll be happy, only TOO HAPPY, TO INTERRUPT THEM!"

She was shouting by the end of that. It was a bad sign.

Jack got on the phone finally, sounding slightly out of breath. "What went wrong?" I asked.

"Everything," he told me. "Everything. I guess there was a reason we had a team of writers for canon and next time, we'll trust them, believe me!"

"What happened?"

"It started with Daniel's harem. They all deserted him. Seems they weren't amused when he re-named them all Jackie 1, Jackie 2, Jackie…well, you get the picture. And he kept trying to put…uh…something in a place it wasn't meant to go. They weren't happy."

"Okay, so then you went back to him to keep him happy? What about your harem?"

"Actually, they left at the same time. Told me sarcastic wasn't as cute when it was directed at them."

"Sam?"

"Walter told her he wanted kids and she thought it was joke and laughed. For a funny guy, he doesn't always have such a good sense of humor."

"How about Teal'c?"

"Oh. That. May have messed up our relations with the Tok'ra. I guess Anise was saying something about 'god' this or that at a critical time and he thought she was saying she WAS his god and he zatted her. Jacob's date didn't work out either."

"Jacob, too?"

I could almost hear Sam's teeth grinding in the background. "She wanted him to call Teal'c 'son' and he said he was sick and tired of playing someone's Daddy. I think he introduced her to Lord Yu."

I sighed. Who would have thought things could go so badly so quickly. "What about Jonas?"

"He's comatose, but on the up-side, he's smiling. You know, you just can't send a boy to do a man's job."

"Do I dare ask about Harry?"

"Gone. Took his hat off at the wrong time and they booted his ass thru the next outgoing wormhole. I think he's either with the Unas or in the Pegasus Galaxy, either of which he probably deserves, but they don't."

I groaned. That meant more email if it was the Unas. I've never seen a group of ET's who were more into tech. They had given up mining for import and were now doing Net Poker for profit. Nobody bluffs like an Unas.

"Look, this is not my fault. I wrote what you asked," I explained.

"We know, and we aren't blaming you. It's our fault for asking for what we thought we really wanted. There's a reason that half that line is 'don't ask.' Now we know. So, the story?"

"Consider it burned, but I'm not returning the money. I did my part."

"Understand. Now if you'll excuse me, Daniel is getting cold."

I hate having to trash what I'd spent hours on. However, a deal is a deal and it was their lives. I wiped it from existence, hoping no one had liked it well enough to transfer it to their hard drives. Otherwise, it could cause problems down the line, perhaps setting off an alternate reality where everyone ended up hating me. I'd have to adopt that don't ask, don't tell credo myself if anyone had actually read it and went looking for it again.

Hindsight, even if it was a gigantic waste of time and nothing to show for my efforts in my resume, at least I was paid and paid well. Might be enough for a vacation in Hawaii. I wonder if Jacob has ever been to Maui and would Selmak like the beach? I just might have to write that Mary Sue after all.

But I did add 'Flyboy' to my list of blocked addresses.


End file.
